The Grief of Joy

“It’s okay,” I tell myself. “It’s good.” “This is what we worked for.” “I am so happy we are here!”

But it hurts, too.

My oldest son has officially left home to serve as a missionary for the next two years. My heart is far more raw than I ever imagined it would be. I’m so happy and so proud for him. Especially because it hasn’t been an easy road to get to this point.

I’ve worked and planned and and prayed — oh, how I’ve prayed — for this very day to come and it is teaching me in the way that only life experience can. Full of grief and joy all at once.

Having served a mission myself, I ache in knowing what’s ahead for him in feeling homesick, possibly real depression, and learning to love those you live with (sometimes the hardest part). And I also rejoice knowing the incredible, meaningful times of joy in serving others, and the closeness with God and Jesus that he will feel. I’m so happy he will get to know, learn from, and love his mission president and wife, and their family. I am thrilled he is serving in such a beautiful place where I can easily send him things he may need. (👋 St. George, Utah)

A friend here was puzzled when I told her where Joel would be headed and asked, “Isn’t everyone there already a member of your church?”

Yes, a lot of people are (68% in fact!) but it also has one of the highest baptism rates of any mission in the world. Joel will be active teaching people who want to know Jesus more and covenant to follow Him. It’s also amazing that there will be five temples in operation in his mission soon, with the rededication of the historic St. George temple happening while he is there.

While I was raised in Utah, it was at the opposite end from St. George so I’ve only been to that area once or twice. His mission includes three of the most beautiful National Parks with Zion’s, Arches, and The Grand Canyon in Arizona. It is a pretty amazing area of the world to be in and will become a holy place for Joel as his experiences there will be in serving those he meets and giving his time to God.

The Apostle, Elder David A. Bednar recently answered questions Live on Instagram and someone asked, “What is the best advice you can give to someone who is about to go on a mission?”

Here is his inspired response:

It’s not about you! I visit with thousands and thousands of missionaries every year. Understandably, they say, “I’m working so hard. I’m not having the success I think I shouldhave.”

Can you hear the problem in that series of statements? I, I, I. You go because you love the Lord. You serve because you want to assist others to come unto Him. You need to lose yourself in the service of others. And when get lost serving the Lord, you will ultimately find out who you really are.

So, the best advice— You’re going to go to a place you might not choose to go. You might have for companions people you might not choose to associate with. You may eat food you really don’t like. All of which can propel you to be kind of self-centered. “I’m not really happy about all of this.” That’s just part of the adjustment to missionary life and growing up and learning to serve with all your heart, might, mind, and strength in conditions you wouldn’t ordinarily serve.

It’s not about you. Get over yourself. Lose yourself in service to Him.

The irony is that you’ll come home, after these experiences that seem so hard now, you will proclaim, “This was the greatest experience of my life.” And it will have been.

Elder Bednar added one more tip for all of us, beyond missionary service and it’s something I have honestly thought of often and worked on.

One final tip about missionary service. Twenty years from now, you should not be saying, “Well, I had this great spiritual experience while I was on my mission…” and you’re still talking about twenty years later about the spiritual experiences you had as a missionary. If you do that, I would ask you, “What have you been doing for the last twenty years?” Your greatest experience should be today, not yesterday. Your greatest spiritual experience should be tomorrow, not today. And your greatest spiritual experience twenty years from now should be what’s happening to you twenty years from now and not what happened to you on your mission.

So, it’s farewell and see you later to Joel! The revolving door stage of my life as a mother is now engaged as I send off my son, and look ahead to when he will come back for a time and then launch off again to his next step as his adult life unfolds. I’m fully feeling grief and joy all at once which looks like a heart about to burst with gratitude and love and also my in a puddle of tears on the bathroom floor every now and then. It’s weird. How am I old enough to be at this point? And oh how exciting it is to be at this point!

We will all miss Joel. Terribly.

I will miss his hugs and help, music and humor. He is our family extrovert, gentle, helpful, steady, easy and fun.

Godspeed Elder Young!